September 11th: Five years later

I'm not feeling very stable anyway but September 11th is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I told myself I wouldn't watch tv today and I won't but there has still been plenty of coverage in the days leading up to today. The front of the Portland Press Herald has a huge picture of the lights that memorialize the twin towers. I read the whole front page and the list of those from Maine who died five years ago. It's not a huge list but its enough. Enough to make me shiver, to make my stomach turn to lead. To make my brain foggy, a lump build in my throat, my eyes sting. Enough to make me so sad that I snap at my children because I can not, will not share with them what they are too young to hear. That there are hateful people who wish us dead. That there are people so mean that they are killers.

I am pissed that I do not feel safer, after the Patriot laws or TSA or seeing our troops die for our freedoms. Pissed that our government is barking up the wrong terrorists, and ineffectively at that. Pissed that I have had to become easy-going about a certain amount of risk in daily life that did not exist five years ago.

That's it for now. I might need to write more later.